Twilight: A new Threat!
by Mysteriouslyabsent
Summary: With this fic, I shall attempt to do the impossible- unite the twihards and the twihaters. Love Twilight? Read this fic! Hate Twilight? Read this fic!


**Twilight- A new threat! (One-shot)**

_A/N: With this fanfiction, I shall attempt the impossible. I will write a fic that both the twihards and the twihaters can enjoy. We shall see if my endeavours bear fruit. For Becca, Twilight lover; for the people at the GA, who rock, and for everyone else, hopefully!_

_Oh, and I know the guy doesn't talk like that (you'll see what I mean). I thought it worked better like this, so like this it stays._

… … …

He thought it was a good idea at the time.

'Forks!' the brochure said. 'Quiet American village, nice locals, low crime rate, beautiful place to retire!'

Best of all, it wasn't Whitby.

So, after finding a definite lack of gruesome murder reports, he'd decided that it would do. He'd had enough of adventuring, smiting evil etc. Time to settle down, get a nice house, and maybe a nice garden, too. The place was green enough.

The forest was _very_ green, he thought, strolling along what had once been a path (and now resembled anything but). Grass and moss squelched underfoot as emerald light filtered through the leaves above. He'd chosen to make the trek into Forks by foot; it would give him a better idea of the lay of the land, and so far the place pleased him greatly. No hidden graves in the wood. No corpses.

And yet, there _was_ something eerie about Forks forest. It took him a moment to work out what exactly was bothering him, and then he realised- silence. Not a birdcall, not a distant crunch of twigs, nothing. It seemed as though he was the only person for miles. A cool wind rushed past, causing the hem of his travelling cloak to flutter. He blinked. He was sure it was a trick of the light, but in that moment he had thought he'd seen… a little girl.

Then, a few seconds later, a child's voice rang out.

"Here, deery deery…"

The man followed the sound, and presently reached the edge of a forest clearing. It would have been an extraordinarily beautiful forest clearing, as forest clearings go, were it not for the fact that a small girl was sitting in the middle of it. The problem wasn't the girl. The problem was what the girl was _doing_. Namely, sucking the blood out of a baby deer.

The man reached into his pocket for his bottle of holy water and his pot of rosemary. The clearing was circular. If he worked quickly, he could trap her. He'd never seen one so young before, but he had always suspected that child vampires existed, and he wouldn't allow sentimentality to cloud his judgement. He completed the circle quickly, and then took his stake in hand.

And _then_ something hit him in the back of the head, hard, and everything went black.

"Hope I didn't overdo it…" muttered Jacob Black, glancing down at the unconscious guy at his feet. "Nessie, look around before you hunt, next time. I don't think he'll remember anything, but still..."

"… Spoilsport…" Renesme sighed and got up, wiping a trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth. "Is he okay?"

"Dunno… I punched him kind of instinctively… you know, because he was a threat to you… er… should we take him to the hospital?" Jacob scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Yes! Grandpa Carlisle will be able to sort it all out!"

"Pssh… 'Grandpa' indeed…"

…

"Unnnh…" the man groaned hours later, strange shapes floating in front of his half-closed eyes.

"Ah, awake at last," a soft voice replied.

The man felt a horrified jolt in the pit of his stomach. Surely not…

Slowly, slowly, he forced his eyes open. Ice flooded his veins. A blonde, handsome man in a doctor's coat was looking back at him.

"How are you feeling?" A slight smile played about Carlisle's lips. The other man started to shake as the memories of the previous few hours came rushing back. Then he took a deep breath, steadied himself, and touched a hand to the crucifix he wore at all times. He pointed a trembling finger at Carlisle.

"You, sir, are a vampire!"

"Oh… amnesia…"

"Amnesia? Ha! Van Helsing suffers not from amnesia!"

"… A side effect of concussion…"

"Paris, 1786!"

"… Owing to the head injury sustained…"

"Berlin, 1833!"

"… During an unfortunate fall on a muddy woodland path. Be more careful next time, Mr, er, Helsing."

"Ignore me not! Your time has come! Beg the Lord for forgiveness, for the time is upon ye! Eternal hellfire and damnation awaits! Begone, foul demon!" So saying, Van Helsing lurched forward in his hospital bed, stake in hand. Carlisle raised an eyebrow as he took a step back.

"I think we have a misunderstanding."

"I remember you, immortal one!" Van Helsing shouted, struggling to pull off the tight bedsheets. "I've _seen you before_!"

"I just have one of those faces." Carlisle smiled his perfect smile.

…

After a few hours of debate over the subject of whether or not Carlisle was a vampire, the two men reached an unhappy compromise. This explained why Carlisle had called a family meeting, and why the various Cullens were now sitting around the living room, listening with horror to his every word.

"… So the basic point is that Mr Helsing is going to be living with us for a few days, and we all need to be careful not to blow our cover. Emmett, no breaking tables. Edward, no answering questions before they're asked. I'm sure you're all used to it by now." Carlisle smiled benignly.

"Er…" said Bella, "so, let me get this straight. This guy is some kind of immortal vampire hunter, and he spends his whole time _killing vampires_, and you've _invited him home_?"

"Exactly; that's why we need to be careful!" Carlisle nodded, eyes wide. Bella wasn't sure if he was trying to be funny or not. Either way, she wasn't amused.

"And what if he _does _find out? What about Renesme?"

"Shh, darling…" Edward placed a calming hand on Bella's elbow. "Don't worry. You seem to be forgetting- he is one human, we are a room full of highly dangerous vampires. Do you really think he would stand a chance in a serious fight?" Edward bared his teeth jokily; Bella harrumphed. Carlisle gave Edward a warning look.

"All the same, I'd rather it didn't come to that. It would be wrong to kill him simply for working out the truth, but I would hate for him to tell the media about us."

"Oh, I don't know, celebrity vampires, could be fun…" Alice mused.

"Be a celebrity on your own, then," Edward said sharply, earning a look of pure venom from his adoptive sister.

"We need to focus on the task at hand," Jasper interrupted in his 'I'm a military guy and don't you forget it' voice. "Carlisle, what exactly does Van Helsing need to see before he'll be convinced that we are not vampires?"

"… I'm not sure." Carlisle shook his head and shrugged. "I don't know what he thinks a vampire _is_, actually. He seemed to think I would be scared away by a cross, of all things."

"Why a cross?" asked Rosalie.

"Lord knows." Carlisle shrugged again. "And then he started waving a few cloves of garlic at me, for some reason. I was tempted to humour him, you know, and cower away, but I thought that that would be counter-productive in the long run." He sighed. "Anyway. If he suddenly leaps at you with something, out of the blue, don't flinch. It's what he's expecting."

"Oh, greeeat…" moaned Emmett. "So you're telling me this guy is going to be jumping out at us from behind doors at all hours and throwing stuff at us?"

"This is why I banned Carlisle from inviting his friends home," Esmé quipped. The others groaned. There was a knock at the door.

"He's arrived! Okay, everyone, let's roll." And with a dangerous smile, Carlisle left the room. Bella pressed a cushion to her face.

"Darling, what are you-"

"Stupidity is contagious. I'm protecting myself from the germs."

…

Supper did not go well. After being prodded with a rusty iron rod several times, Rosalie finally lost her temper and wrenched it from Van Helsing's pathetic human hands.

"Stop it, you," she said, and twisted the metal into a knot.

"Well done," murmured Edward, in a voice that only the Cullens could hear, as Van Helsing delightedly wrote notes in a tatty old book and Carlisle sighed.

…

Later, Bella had to remind the others that they needed to pretend to go to sleep.

…

Later still, Esme got very annoyed upon finding seeds scattered all over her new carpet, along with salt and a few random rowan twigs. Emmett thought it was hilarious. Emmett was lucky that Esme's special power was superhuman love.

…

Alice was not happy when she discovered that _somebody_ had stolen all her left socks and filled them with stones.

…

"Right," said Bella, wringing out her shoes after Van Helsing had turned on every faucet in the house in an effort to create a 'river of running water that yonder demonic creatures shalt not cross'. "Right. You know what? I don't care. I don't care anymore. Let him know. Let the whole world know. Just make him get out."

"But…" Carlisle sighed and ran a hand through his flaxen hair. "I thought I was getting through to him…"

"Carlisle, he's gone out to buy more 'vampire hunting' supplies! He's not going to listen! Ever!"

"She is right." Edward nodded. "I really cannot be bothered to continue with this charade any longer. It is too much hassle. I can read his mind; he is not changing. And besides, I asked Alice to envision his future if we proceeded with Bella's suggested course of action, and her vision did not encompass Van Helsing going to the media."

"In other words," translated Alice, "we're safe. So let's just give the guy a good scare and get our own back!" She grinned and punched a fist against the opposite palm. Carlisle heaved a great sigh.

"I doubt we'll be able to _scare _Van Helsing. Well, I suppose we should put this up to vote. You already know my standing, but as for the rest of you… Very well. Who wants to tell Van Helsing the truth?"

"Me," said Bella.

"Me," said Edward.

"Me," said Rosalie.

"Me," said Emmett.

"Me," said Alice.

"Me," said Jasper.

"Me," said Esme.

"Me," said Renesme.

"Me," said Van Helsing, walking through the doorway. "What is this devilish truth thou speakest of, abominable one?" His eyes flashed. Edward sighed.

"Come along, Mr Helsing. We shall show you. Follow."

The Cullens led Van Helsing back to Forks forest, and to the edge of the grassy clearing where Edward had sparkled at Bella for the very first time, so many months ago.

"Look at me," commanded Edward, and stepped forwards into the sunlight, tearing off his shirt. His marble skin glittered as though a thousand opals were set into the stone. Bella sighed.

"Show-off," muttered Emmett, and joined Edward. The other Cullens moved into the glow, in various states of undress. Van Helsing gasped.

"But of course!"

"Er?" asked the Cullens in unison.

"Thou art not vampires! Thou art pixies!"

"Yes." Carlisle smiled and walked over to Van Helsing, kindly patting him on the head. "Yes, we are. That's what I've been _trying_ to tell you."

… … …

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to leave a review! _


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